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Here is a snippet of my sexy Valentine’s Day Gift Guide.

Lap Dance the Night Away

Take a page from Beyonce in “Partition” and surprise your mate on Valentine’s Day with a lap dance. But I can’t dance, Sujeiry! You scream at me from your screen. It’s a lap dance! Grinding on your lover is a skill that can be taught.

Take a lap dance class from your local pole dancing fitness studio. Hire a private instructor if you want more one-on-one attention. Or, if you’re a Dancing Queen, search for a Lap Dance routine on YouTube and practice at home. When you’re ready (and you better be ready in time for Valentine’s Day!) rent a dance studio space and invite him in, or transform your living room into a strip club.

Read the entire post on Give Them Romance and don’t forget to subscribe for more.

Hallelujah! I finally feel like myself again. If you’ve been reading my posts since 2019 when I found myself single at 40, you are well aware of my identity crisis and the impact it had on my life. I was a hot mess, y’all. And who wouldn’t be, trapped on Long Island with no friends or family, a 2-year-old son, no partner, and a radio and writing career in shambles?

Do you know what happens when you feel like life is spiraling outside of your control (although I’ve learned we are always in control)? You make decisions based on lack, desperation, neediness, loneliness, and fear. You’re not yourself. You become a shell of the person you were, walking through life in a fog and forgetting who you are and what you truly desire.

That is the woman I was when I chose to shut down Love Sujeiry, my blog of over 10 years. I told myself that my career as a writer and on-air talent was over and I needed to “get serious,” stop fucking around, get a traditional job, and be like everyone else. I resigned myself to dating men that I wasn’t attracted to and had no chemistry with because they treated me well. I just wanted a healthy and successful long-term relationship. I convinced myself that the only way to attain that was to settle.

I repeat: I was a hot mess, y’all. I had all of these negative assumptions about what it took to be a successful creative entrepreneur and what I had to give up to be loved.

I share this with you today because I want you to check your mindset. Ask yourself: what assumptions do I have that keep me stuck in lack? That has led to my resigning myself to living an unfulfilled life?

I am also announcing my new blog, The Relationship Den! Consider it a Love Sujeiry reboot. Love Sujeiry on steroids. Love Sujeiry part deux.

I know what I want. I know who I am: a co-creator with God living a life of abundance, success, and so much love. And I’ll know you’ll love it.

When I was 12 years old my father abandoned our family. Mami didn’t kick him out. Although we had moved out of state, she welcomed his visits with his children, and he did visit for a while. Until one cold, November day when he said, “I’ll see you next weekend,” but he didn’t show up or call. Not that weekend or the weekend after that or the weekend after that. I shut down. I pretended I didn’t care. I was 12, after all. What I didn’t realize then is that this was a pivotal moment that changed me forever. My father leaving left me with a deep-seated fear of abandonment and abandonment issues. 

Abandonment Issues Are a Dime A Dozen

My story isn’t unfamiliar. Unfortunately, abandonment issues are a dime a dozen. Just do a quick Google search and you will find thousands of articles on the topic and a Google search volume of over 13K hits. (That’s the SEO nerd in me, my apologies.) So, what do we do about it now? How can abandonment issues manifest in your romantic relationships? Does the fear of rejection ever go away? Do you turn into a werewolf? Are you damned for life? 

As someone can confidently say that I’ve overcome these issues through therapy, reflection, and journaling, I’m going to shed some light. 

How Abandonment Issues Manifest in Romantic Relationships

When a parent or another prominent figure in your life leaves unexpectedly, even in death, that rejection stays with you. And it affects all aspects of your life. In romantic relationships, you may:

• Seek out partners that are unattainable as a way to protect yourself. If they don’t commit because they can’t (see: married, in a relationship, disinterested in commitment, etc) then you don’t have to face rejection and abandonment. It feels safer to enter into a situationship than an actual relationship.

• Be super clingy when in relationships. You have codependency issues and always want to be with your bae. You struggle when they take vacations without you or don’t call back quick enough.

• Act out of fear of abandonment. You may break up with someone to protect yourself or even become super emotional, clingy, and impulsive if you fear they will leave you. 

• Jump to conclusions that they are abandoning you. You think the worst when your paramour doesn’t call or text back immediately, when you feel them detaching, even if they just need space, or when they don’t make plans to see you. If you do not receive constant validation and/or reassurance, you may think they are going to break up with you. Any slight or “change” can feel like rejection, which leads you to spiral and assume they are leaving you. 

These are just some of the few ways that a fear of abandonment can affect romance and how you engage and show up in relationships. Now, it’s time to explore how to overcome your abandonment issues. 

How I Overcame My Abandonment Issues

My issues with abandonment were pretty deep-seated. My father’s abandonment also impacted my self-worth and self-esteem. I didn’t feel loveable enough or worthy enough just as I was because, if my own father left me, why would any man stay? I didn’t realize that I thought this way immediately. Most 12 year old’s aren’t this reflective. I just buried my feelings and pretended nor to care while feeling incredibly ugly and unlovable. I didn’t tie it all together until I was in college when my father reappeared. His call hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized then, at 19 years old while speaking on the phone with him for the first time in 12 years, that I was pretty fucked up. 

So, how did I go from playing a great game of Fake the Funk Like You’re not a Broken Woman to Confident Sujeiry that Loves Herself? I went to therapy. I have rebuilt my relationship with my father and speak openly to him about the hurt.  I’ve accepted the fact that my father’s abandonment had nothing to do with me and who I am as a person. He failed as a father because of his messed up childhood and his drinking problem. 

I’ve also learned that my worth is not tied to any man. That being loved and chosen by a man doesn’t make me more or less worthy and loveable. 

How I Cope With Those Feelings Today

Don’t get me wrong, that fear of rejection and abandonment still creeps up. But now that I know what it is and why certain situations trigger my feeling rejected, invalidated, and unseen and unheard, I put a kibosh on it. 

“I see you,” I say to my abandonment issues, “and you’re ruining my day, this relationship, or my life.” 

I breathe, I journal through the feelings, and I show myself grace. I remind myself that my dad’s mistakes aren’t mine to wallow in and live with. He made his choices. I choose not to take it on that burden anymore. It is no longer a reflection of who I am as a person or my worth as a woman. And every day, I remind myself how amazing I am despite my childhood circumstances. Because I didn’t ask for it, and neither did you. Because we can and will move past the trauma. Because we must stop living in the past. 

I recently learned that I am a Manifesting Generator. Wait, what’s that now? Let me explain. 

A Manifesting Generator is one of the archetypes in Human Design, which is a fascinating and holistic system that melds astrology, the I Ching, Kabbalah, and Vedic philosophy to help us gain self-awareness and self-knowledge. Once you know your archetype you’ll understand your motivations and behaviors. The descriptors are eerily truthful and so empowering. At least it’s been that way for me. 

I’ve struggled with accepting a major personality trait that is innate to a Manifesting Generator. That of the infinite multitasker. No matter what I do (meditate, pray, emotionally beat myself up) I cannot stop doing and creating.

I set my mind to accomplishing one goal. I’m on a roll. I am focused. I am killing it for days on end.

This time will be different, I tell myself. This time I won’t veer to the left or to the right when another idea magically pops into my head. Because I saw a movie or read a word or kept seeing 333, and why does that praying mantis keep showing up on my kitchen window? 

Only I do. I get an intuitive hit and hit the ground running in the opposite direction of the goal that I initially intended to accomplish. I go full mother fucking speed ahead. And when I look back once I’ve slowed down (it happens rarely, and I gear up again just as quickly) I think, why did I abandon that project? Why am I doing this now instead of that? I was so excited then, why did I stop? What do I really want? Why do I keep creating experiences and projects only to move on to the next thing like a damn road runner? 

Because I am a Manifesting Generator. 

Manifesting Generator Qualities 

We are masters at taking action. We have a lot of energy and are multitaskers. We don’t move slow. In fact, we hate slow, and get frustrated with anyone that can’t keep up with our fast minds and actions. Because of our quickness, we skip lots of steps.

Crystals have magical properties, bringing in abundance and healing. There are specific crystals that attract love into our lives. So, if you’re ready for love and are feeling yourself like Cardi B when she sings, “Walking past a mirror, ooh, “Damn, I’m fine!” use these crystals to manifest love. 

9 Crystals to Manifest Love

Rose Quartz

The Rose Quartz is a heart chakra stone that is said to boost self-love. Rich with feminine energy and attracting unconditional love, Rose Quartz aids you in healing painful wounds and relationship heartache. Healing is the first step to manifest love, so grab a Rose Quartz crystal to begin your love journey. (Disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.) Shop Rose Quartz on Amazon.

From casual sex to healing after a relationship’s end, Sarrah Rose shares easy tips on how to get ready for sex after divorce. Some of Rose’s tips include:

• Boost self-confidence with affirmations. Affirmations and mantras work wonders to boost self-love. When you are more confident, you feel more courageous and available for sex after divorce. You will even enjoy sex more!

• Understand how you do sex. Sex isn’t the same for everyone. Some people can get much more attached and struggle with casual sex. Others, like Sarrah herself, can compartmentalize and have sex to fill a basic need. Know where you land on sex. Also, understand and accept that how you view sex isn’t stagnant. You may desire sex to meet your basic needs one month and desire to have sex with a partner that you love and care about the next.

• Identify how you view sex. How we view sex is often tied to our upbringing. Whether we were told sex is shameful or were raised in a strict, religious household where sex wasn’t spoken of, this can weigh on us subconsciously. Pinpoint what messages you’ve heard about sex. Take ownership of your views of sex versus ideologies that are drilled in by society, religion, and family.

• Undo the shame of sex. Once you can pinpoint your views on sex you need to undo the conditioning. Seek outside help from a therapist or even a sex and relationship coach. It is a journey, not a sprint!

• Masturbate, baby! Sarrah agrees that masturbation is a great way to release sexual tension. Plus, it helps boost your self-confidence and you get to know your body. Masturbation is also a great way to scratch that itch when you are not ready to have sex after divorce.

No matter when you choose to have sex after divorce, know why you are making this choice. Do so when you feel intuitively ready, not because you feel guilty or ashamed of having sex to satisfy basic needs. And if you’re just a gal that wants to have sex with deep intimacy and connection, wait until you meet that person who provides sexual healing with strings attached. Remember: there is no wrong way, only your way!

News! News! News!

I’ve decided to publish a second book. Thanks to your votes that second book will be (drumroll, please!) Love Trips Vol 2. It’s in the works. My goal is to publish it by this summer so you can read it on the beach!

With that said, I will be looking for readers to review the book for presale. You will receive a free copy for your service. If interested, please reply to this email!

My word for 2022 is COMMIT. After wavering and hesitating about writing, I am ready to commit to my craft in a new way. For years, I've said that I wanted to publish more books. Yet, I've only self-published two books, Love Trips (2009) and Dating RITE (2014). I'm proud of myself for writing and self-publishing two books without any guidance, but it's time to churn more books. Instead of sharing blog posts here and there, I am commuting to writing and self-publishing one book per year!

Enough about me and my goals! In this podcast episode, I share how to choose a word of the year.

How to Choose a Word of the Year

Choose a word that aligns with your intentions. What do you want to accomplish this year in all aspects of your life? What word carries the energy that will lead to you meeting your goals? When asking how to choose a word of the year, keep these things in mind.

The word that will motivate you. Speaking of energy, your word of the year should motivate you. You should see it and read it and say, "I can do it!" whatever that "it" is. Just a word that sparks your fire and inspires you to move toward your goals even when it's difficult.

The word should make your life easier! When we make things easier on ourselves, it's easier to follow through with our intentions. When things are too hard we ted to give up. And we don't want to give up on our goals!

Meditate and let the word come to you. Sit down and inhale and exhale. Take note of any word that pops into you subconscious mind. Focus on your breathing and sit in stillness until you see, feel, or hear words. Ask God to reveal your word of the year. Write them all down. The word that belongs to you this year will resonate most.

Dating As a Single Mom Is Hard, According to Drew Barrymore (and Me!)

Dating as a single mom is haaaard. Just take it from Drew Barrymore and, well, me! Despite Drew having all the money in the world to carve out free time to date, she's struggling.

She spoke about why she is struggling on the CBS Morning Show. It isn't about finding the time, it's about our mindset. Drew shared that dating as a single mom is hard because, well, she's dating with kids.

This resonated with me. Although it's obvious that a single mom that dates has kids, the idea of sharing your life with anyone outside of your kids feels odd.

Take my situation for example. I've been a single mom since December 2018. That's 3 years since publishing this blog, but who's counting! (I sure am.) My son's father and I have joint custody. 50/50 spit in the middle. This obviously provides me with ample time to write on this here blog and to podcast. And yes, I have a few days a week where my schedule is wide open. I can date! I can meet men! I can socialize!

Dating As A Single Mom Is Hard Because...

I do all of these things. But, when a relationship feels like it's moving past the Friend Zone (where all the men I am dating currently reside), I panic. How will Evan react when I introduce them? When should I introduce him to a guy I am dating? Maybe I just need to wait until I'm walking down the aisle. They'll meet then!

Me: Future Husband, meet the Ring Bearer. Ring Bearer, this is my Future Husband.

Blank stares.

Me: Oh, yea, he's my son. And he's going to be your new step daddy!

Nope, that won't work!

Taking Dating Easy

What I've decided regarding dating as as single mom in mid-life is to take it easy. I am dating as a feminine and following my intuition. I am not rushing a thing. And I am most certainly not introducing the first guy that gives me butterflies to my kid.

I've given this much thought, as you can see. Here are some loose ground rules that I've come up regarding introducing my kid to my man:

• We must be in a committed relationship.

• The relationship must be past the 1 year mark. (Cause you know those 6 month relationships can easily become flings.)

• We will not live together for a loooooooong time.

• Evan will have to like him. Cause I will not choose my man over my kid.

Maybe this will change when I fall in luuuurve. For now, I am in a great place as a single mom. I am casually dating, podcasting, writing, and filling my life with the people and hobbies that I love. That, my single mom friends, makes dating so much easier and that much sweeter. Follow suit and casually date on!

You deserve to treat yourself every day of the week. And it's easier than it sounds. Whether it's luxuriating in a bubble bath by candlelight, taking care of your dental hygiene, or rocking a corona like a Queen, you can boost self love with these products sold by Latina owned small businesses. They're just what this Self-Love Doctor ordered. 

6 Products by Latina Owned Small Businesses to Boost Self-Love

Candles for Self Healing - Bloom Soul

Candles can do a lot more than brighten up a room. With the addition of crystals and certain aromas, a candle can bring forth abundance, love, and healing. Bloom Soul’s selection of soy wax candles include Love, Stillness, Joy, Alignment, Blessings, Transformation, Nurture, Letting Go, and candles for each astrological sign.

Founder and creator, Mairi Bloom, launched her Latina owned small business to follow in her family's legacy. “I come from parents who always had their own business in The Dominican Republic,” Mairi shared. "When living in The United States they settled for working for someone else's dream/company.”

She felt a calling as she felt that “the dedication and resilience” to succeed as a Latina business owner is a gift from her Dominican culture.  

Bloom chose to create and sell candles. For Mairi, “candles represent lighting up something, in this case we see our candles supporting you lighting up your life.” Bloom Soul, however, is more than just a candle company. Their mission is to empower. This is why they name each candle with a positive word and printed affirmation.

Mairi also has a special connection with candles. Her mother loves them and they remind her of her childhood. “I remember my sister hand making candles as a hobby when I lived in The Dominican Republic,” Bloom said. 

In every aspect, Blooming Soul and its products are inspired by her Dominican roots, legacy, and, ultimately, the bonds and strength passed on by family.  

Purchase Blooming Soul candles.

Crown Yourself - Rebecca Gitana

Feel like the Queen that you are with Rebecca Gitana’s hand-made coronas. Founder and Host of Healing Through the Home and a masterful Transformational Guide, Rebecca adores all things Mother Earth - and flowers are no exception. 

Rebecca was inspired to create and sell her coronas after a painful loss. “This fall was a bittersweet time for me as a baby I miscarried would have been born at that time,” she shared. ”I felt inspired to make a series of crowns entitled the "Elijah Collection'' to honor the season of Dia de Los Muertos and the beauty of the Autumn, the season of death and regeneration.” 

Her coronas were a hit, which has led Gitana to create and sell a Winter Collection. 

“I weave these crowns with the kind of love that reminds you of your beauty, strength, and potential." 

Dazzle with a Smile - Lujo Tooth Polish

They say nothing you wear is more important than a smile. And Lujo Tooth Polish, an activated charcoal base product, can brighten up your smile. 

Part of Lujo Wellness, Lujo Tooth Polish was founded by Sarah Vega Melian who learned about holistic dental care from her uncle at 12 years old. Aside from the familial inspiration, she created this product to advocate for the importance of dental hygiene for all. “I have had moments in my life where I didn't have insurance,” Melian said, “and Lujo helped me stay on top of my dental health.” Sarah began experimenting with various products and ingredients before she landed on the Lujo Tooth Polish formula. On February 22, 2020, she launched Lujo Tooth Polish and her product continues to sell out. 

However, like many Latina owned small businesses, her entrepreneurship journey has been filled with hardships and lessons.

Purchase Lujo Toothpolish. Follow on Instagram.  

Dress Like The Best Version of You - Dileyka Guzman

It’s amazing what a tailored-for-you outfit can do for your confidence. And Dileyka Guzman, a fashion stylist/journalist and creative director, can help you dress like the best version of yourself. 

With a Masters in Fashion Journalism from Academy of Art University, Guzman knows about styling. Her journey, however, has not been an easy one. Stuck in a rut and a full-time job she hated, Dileyka gave herself a deadline to pursue her passion for fashion and styling. ”I forced myself to come up with a photoshoot concept where I was the subject. I creatively directed and styled the entire project,” she shared. “This was the moment and the push that pretty much launched my career.” She went full throttle and finally claimed what she already knew: that she's a fashion stylist, journalist, and creative director.

That inner push to claim her power is one of the reasons why she uses styling to boost her clients confidence. “Fashion can be used as a tool to empower yourself and increase your self-esteem,” she said. "Something as simple as a pair of hoops, some lipstick, or your favorite sweatshirt can all be used as tools to brighten your mood or day.” When working with Guzman as your stylist, she's your personal hype woman, pumping you up like you're a celebrity. 

“I like to bring back that side of confidence and self-love that they have tucked away and remind people that we're special everyday, not just on the days where we're dressed to the nines.”

She does this with her styling services, which include purging your closet, personal day-to-day styling, creating new looks with pieces you already own, and much more. 

Connect with Dileyka Guzman on Instagram.  

So Fresh and So Clean with Intimate Wash - The Brazi Shop

What better way to treat your body than with an organic and natural intimate wash? Created by Aniusha Ortiz of The Brazi Shop, Intimate Wash keeps you clean while maintaining your pH balance. It also serves as a great conversation starter regarding feminine hygiene, self-care, and self-love. 

“In the Dominican culture, conversations regarding feminine hygiene are straightforward and leave little-to-no space for education regarding the process or types of products to use,” Ortiz stated. Even worse, young Dominican women are often given "un pedazo de jabon de cuaba and told ‘lávate’ by their Dominican elders. For the non-Dominicans, jabon de cuaba is a potent soap to wash clothes containing harmful chemicals that throw off our pH balance. Aniusha decided to help change this unhealthy practice with her Intimate Wash. 

“I wanted to formulate a natural product with organic ingredients that would address the everyday concerns of being a woman.”

Committed to helping women feel inspired, uplifted, and valued, she launched The Brazi Shop, a body-waxing business, from her childhood bedroom in her parents apartment. A successful Latina owned small business, The Brazi Shop is now a brick and mortar shop in the Bronx.

Purchase Intimate Wash from The Brazi.

You Are a Priority - LeSuite Boutique

Claim that you are a PRIORITY with LeSuite Boutiques' PRIORITY sweatshirt. Created by Iran Ortiz, “the PRIORITY sweatshirt is a reminder that we have to make ourselves a priority.” 

Iran especially hopes that moms feel like they can put themselves first while wearing her sweatshirt.

Now, go and love yo' self like you're la ultima Coco Cola en el desietro (the last bottle of Coca Cola in the desert). These products by Latina owned small businesses will lend a hand

17 Questions to Ask When Dating Someone New, According to Therapists

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the lust of it all when dating someone new. You feel butterflies in your tummy and your vagina can’t help but throb a little during a hot and heavy makeout session. But, do you know the man that’s getting acquainted with your genitals? Do you know what his values, desires, and priorities are, and ultimately, who he is at his core? Do you even know what questions to ask when dating someone new? Probably not. 

To help you decide whether your new potential bae is a match for you, we tapped into our pool of relationship therapists and asked them to share questions to ask when dating someone new. 

17 Questions to Ask When Dating Someone New, According to Therapists

What’s your relationship like with your parents/family?

What do his parents got to do with it? In my experience, everything. Kimia Anderson, AMFT and primary therapist at Alter Health Group, suggests to dig into his family dynamics because “it’s a great way to get to know someone’s background, what they value and how they’re going to interact with their future family if that’s what you want to create with them.”

Personally Recommended

This Eucalyptus Mint Candle by My Lumina brings forth prosperity, abundance, well-being, and fortune.

Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition: The Secret that Will Revolutionize Your Relationships is perfect for singles that wish to tap into their power and get to know themselves better so you attract healthy love.

I stood under a tree in the middle of Columbus Circle and shut my eyes. The night felt ripe for manifestation, at least that’s what my astrology guides said. (And by astrology guides, I mean YouTube vloggers.) The cold December air hit my cheeks. I hugged myself tight to keep warm under my white, goose-down, knee-length coat. I tilted my head back, opened my eyes quickly, and majestic blue and hints of white polka dots met my gaze.

“Hello Universe,” I whispered.

Despite the chaos that surrounded me that December night in NYC, I felt at ease. I felt ready. I had faith that I would manifest love right then and there.

Five months later, I met him.

Under that bare tree that twinkled with holiday lights, I manifested my next relationship. That relationship led to an engagement and to motherhood. And although we are no longer together (I’ll explain why that happened later), in that moment, I manifested everything that I thought I wanted. And I want to show you how you can actually manifest love in 2022.

In my step-by-step guide, Manifesting Love: A Guide to Attract Healthy Connections, I teach you my manifestation practices and rituals, including how to create a digital vision board to manifest love. This guide is chock full of exercises for healing and to gain clarity so you manifest and attract that good love.

It will help you begin the new year with clarity as the exercises help you discover what you really, really, really, really want and need in a relationship to feel fulfilled. Don’t wait! Get it today.

About Sujeiry

Sujeiry is a Digital Publisher, Self-Love Advocate, and the Founder of Love Sujeiry Media. Coined the Latina Carrie Bradshaw, she published her first book, Love Trips, and hosted Love Sujeiry, a relationship talk show, on SiriusXM. She's been featured as a love guru in People, Cosmopolitan, PopSugar, Yahoo!, Stylecaster, and USA Today and her articles have been published in Hip Latina, Well + Good, Madamenoire, Latina, YourTango, and many more publications. She has also dabbled in television, playing herself on Married at First Sight and VH1's Beauty Bar. Sujeiry’s mission is to provide resources and content on all things love to help Latinx women love and embrace their authentic selves. Her humorous and reflective writing and how she relates and speaks to single Latinx women inspires them to remain hopeful in love.

I promise I’m not a fuddy duddy. I may be middle-aged, but I am not knocking women who explore their sexuality in whatever way they choose. Power to you, if you feel empowered after hooking up. For me, as much as “hookup” culture seemed fun, hot, and freeing, it rarely led to a committed relationship and the love and partnership that I desired.

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Exhibit A of how shitty I felt before I found myself again.

Image Source: Giphy

Maybe you’ve been there too or you’re here now. Maybe you’re currently submerged in a relationship and desperately want to come up for air. Or perhaps it’s a close friend. Her need to please has shifted her personality so much she is unrecognizable. Everything has turned into a “we ”and she’s forgotten that “I” also matters.

Science even backs up the importance of women maintaining their identity outside of romantic relationships. In a 1963 study, Betty Friedan talked to hundreds of women struggling with depression. At that time, women didn’t have separate lives from their husbands and their marriage. Due to this, they felt they lacked personality and experienced an identity crisis. And, although women have become a lot more independent since then, we still have a default mode, where we give of ourselves despite ourselves in personal relationships. 

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It doesn’t have to be this way. We can love our significant other without forgetting to love and be ourselves. Start by connecting or reconnecting with your friends. It’s easy to wrap ourselves up in our relationship when in love, and that usually means forgetting about our friendships. Like, we only call our girlfriends when there’s trouble in paradise or when we need something. That is a recipe for isolation, you’re living in a bubble. And when we live in a bubble we can’t see outside ourselves or our relationship. 

If you continue to include your friends in your life when coupled up, they will keep you grounded so you don’t forget about yourself. Continue to have galtime regularly, even if you take a page from Sex and the City and have to pencil in monthly brunch dates.

You should also schedule me time as it is essential for self-preservation. Start with just 10 minutes a day. Set boundaries with loved ones and tell them you need alone time. Don’t pick up the phone or walk away if you need to. Verbalize that you need space (I do this with my son and have taught him to express the same needs when he wants his alone toddler time). During that time, listen to music, read, write, dance, meditate, or lay on the coach. If you’ve lost sight of your personal goals, write a list of all you wanted out of life when you were single and ask yourself, does my life reflect this? Do I want the same things? Review your list during your alone time. Adjust it accordingly because our goals evolve. This exercise will help you tap into your authentic self when the role of Mrs. and mami is all you see.

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Don’t forget Love Trips

Love Trips is the perfect summer beach read.

And it’s available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle. Grab a copy here!

That’s all for now! Make sure to subscribe if you haven’t already and share this newsletter if it strikes your fancy. I appreciate your support. Till next time!

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I’m sneaking in with one last plea (ok, never last) to subscribe. I’m trying to buy a house and the mortgage is too damn high!

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Now, let’s get to good ol’ fashion luuuuuurve.

“God, can you send me a man the good old fashion way?” I wait for an answer on my hands and knees like a good Catholic girl and…nada.

“It’s ok, God, I know you don’t work this fast.” I stand up, return to singlehood, and wait. I wait and wait and then realize it’s been over 6 months since I’ve been on a date. Back on my knees I go.

“Ok, God, maybe the good old fashion way doesn’t exist anymore,” I muse, shifting my weight from one knee to the other “and I should give online dating another shot. That’s what you’re silence is telling me, right? Right!”

Convinced, I launch the POF app and edit my old profile, adding current photos, a new location and an updated bio. I know what I want now more than ever, I have no qualms sharing it with the men on POF. I smile, ready to meet someone fantastic. I’ve done the work, I’ve healed, and I’m excited, dammit!

“This time will be different,” I say to myself, “and I’ll meet my future husband, not just my future fiancé.”

It doesn’t take long before I receive messages. Only most of them are comprised of 2-3 words with terrible grammar to boot.

“hey boo”

“hi”

“your hot”

How hard is it to press Shift+H, man? And it’s “you’re” not “your”!

Days turn to weeks and online dating begins to feel like a part-time job that I’m forced to clock into because the rent is too damn high. I spend hours perusing the profiles of the men that have messaged me because I want to meet someone that aligns with my values, not just my hotness. And that’s THE WORST about online dating: all men believe they have a shot. They sit on their smartphones, emboldened, and hit the chat box with a “Damn mami!” without reading the very specific likes and dislikes I stipulated on my profile.

I said I don’t want to date anyone that is overweight or over 60. How hard is it to read, man?! And please don’t call me, Mami.

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This is what it is to be a single, 42-year-old heterosexual woman in NY on a dating app — at least for me. And I wonder, is it me? Do I need to shift my mindset to meet my future husband on Tinder, POF, Hinge, or (enter the hundreds of dating apps here)?

Let me explain: this isn’t the first time I’ve prayed to God to send me a man the “good old fashion way.” And folks weren’t swiping right and left in the olden ages. I’ve even said, “My future husband isn’t on a dating app,” which means I’ve already made up my mind: I am not meeting my husband on a dating app despite how many times I refresh, update and log onto my profile. This was my belief system even when I met my ex-fiancé on POF in 2014. So it’s no surprise I haven’t met the Future Sujeiry Gonzalez on an app, and that my ex-fiancé/baby daddy and I never actually made it down the aisle. So, why am I wasting my time? Why not stalk supermarket aisles instead?

We’ve all heard it before, thoughts become things. And I’ve always been attached to a more traditional love story, even flinching when I’d tell people how my ex-fiancé/baby daddy and I met. I want to meet Future Hubby at church, the beach, or the supermarket, so our love story can be more like this:

Boy meets Girl in the candy aisle, they lock eyes when reaching for a white chocolate and hazelnut bar, and Boy is thoughtful enough to let Girl have the last bar in stock. Girl is so smitten that she splits the bar in half so they can both partake in its sweetness. And the rest is history.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

I don’t think so. I just have to believe it. I just have to visualize it. I just have to stop settling for less and going against the very thing that I say I don’t want - meeting a man on POF, Tinder, Hinge (enter the hundreds of dating apps here). Because then I’m giving God mixed singles. As much as I ask Him to ship my Future Hubby like a UPS package, I take control and try to find him myself. That doesn’t mean I should stay home like a monja (nun) and never leave the house. It just means that I shouldn’t force it when I do meet someone and that I need to wait for God to deliver.

In the meantime, I continue to work on my personal growth and my writing. Instead of swiping right or left, I am turning inward and remaining single. And maybe, just maybe I’ll meet him one day in the snack aisle.

I’m sneaking in with one last plea (ok, never last) to subscribe. I’m trying to buy a house and the mortgage is too damn high!

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Now let’s get to today’s story!

It had been months since we’d had sex. 3 to be exact. I always swore we’d never be that couple. That I would never allow days to become weeks and weeks to become months without attempting to jump his bone, if he wasn’t trying to get in my panties. He wasn’t. I wasn’t. I had no interest in seeing him naked or giving him a Happy Ending. We were in a sexless funk, living under the darkest cloud, because of resentment. 

I resented him for not supporting my dreams of creative entrepreneurship and for “forcing” me to #adult (ie. get a full time job). He resented me for being choosy about employment (I didn’t want to settle for a career that I wasn’t passionate about) and for placing the financial burden of building a stable foundation for our family on his shoulders. He was right; inadvertently, while being laser focused on my career as a writer, radio show host and entrepreneur, I abandoned all practicality. Pragmatism has never been my strong suit. I was also right; he met me and decided to commit to me as a freelance writer, a self-published author and a radio show host. I never hid who I was. 

Even worse? We weren’t expressing our feelings of anger, pain and rejection. And, as they say, communication is key. Especially when your relationship is falling apart. 

Jesse Zimmerman, Certified Sex Therapist and Author of Sex Without Stress, emphasizes the importance of staying open in order to maintain intimacy and reignite sex during troubled times. “Intimacy is about letting yourself be seen and known, not just when things are good and not just the parts of you that you like,” Zimmerman explains, “it’s incredibly easy to lose emotional intimacy when a couple isn’t getting along.” In this case, neither party wants “to reveal negative thoughts and feelings, and they don’t know how to have difficult conversations during conflict.” That’s when couples who are plagued with resentment withdraw and hide their feelings.

Shutting down is the worst thing a couple can do. As difficult as it is to open up in moments of relationship strife, you must “lean into your partner and share the bad with the good as it helps maintain an intimate connection.” If you don’t, you’ll become an atypical couple who rarely has sex, which, according to a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, happens more often than we think. The study shares that Americans who are married or living together are having less sex now than in past years. You can, however, turn it around and become that intimate couple that’s banging and hollering from pleasure once again. Zimmerman suggests the following steps to reignite intimacy and bring back sex after resentment has reared its ugly head. 

Talk honestly about what’s going on and how it feels. And that’s without blaming your partner. “Blame and criticism are likely to evoke defensiveness, not a constructive engagement with the issues,” Zimmerman says. Plus, it takes two to tango; both parties have contributed to the disconnect and distance in the relationship. You should each “approach this with the understanding that the situation has been co-created, and that each person should be looking at their own individual accountability.” 

Maintain your sexy and find your worth. I know how it feels to feel undesirable. It worsens when your partner doesn’t look at you with hungry eyes or doesn’t touch you anymore. But, you can’t depend on “the reaction of others to create your sense of value and attraction,” Zimmerman states. “We take a partner’s sexual interest as a statement about our sexiness, and likewise we take a partner’s lack of interest personally, too.” Instead of looking for outside validation, whether it’s cheating or flirting with someone other than your partner, Zimmerman advises to “sever the connection between your feelings of worth and the reflection you get from the outside.” Instead, practice self-care, do things that make you feel like the sexy, attractive woman that you are, and find your worth outside of your sexuality. 

Know the difference between thoughts and feelings. This is crucial in order to stop the blame game and really understand how you and your partner feels and perceives the issues in your relationship and your lagging sex life. Zimmerman gives this example on how to differentiate between thoughts and feelings: 

“You might say, ‘I feel like you don’t value the contribution I make to the family,’ but this is not a feeling statement. You probably feel sad and resentful, but you think your partner does not appreciate you and you think they don’t value what you do. This distinction defuses the tension because acknowledging that you have added your own meaning to the feelings underscores that they are just your thoughts; they are not absolute or even necessarily correct.”

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You see how we can easily create a reality based on thoughts, feelings and our own personal baggage? Practice this to better your communication and, in turn, reignite sex after resentment. 

“I” instead of ‘you.” This one is tough, I know. It isn’t easy to not point fingers when you feel like your partner has wronged you, hurt you, or doesn’t see, validate or understand your feelings. But, using “I” statements is the best way to express how you feel without labeling or judging your significant other, and vice versa. This is difficult to do mostly because we often go into conversations with our partner trying to prove them wrong. Just remember, “your feelings are valid because you are having them, but that doesn’t mean they’re accurate,” Zimmerman reasons. “Recognize and own that you are making meaning out of events; this keeps your conversation in the realm of exploring what’s happening for you instead of attacking your partner.”

Still having a difficult time using “I” statements? Zimmerman gives this example to guide you: 

“Let’s say you’re feeling like your partner doesn’t value your contributions to the family. A better way to say that might be: ‘I realize I feel sad and resentful about how much I think I do for the family. I have this story that you don’t even notice all my effort. Or that you don’t care or value the ways I contribute. This belief keeps me distant from you, and I can tell it’s really in the way of our relationship. Will you explore with me what I’m thinking and feeling so we can move it out of the way?’” 

If you lead the conversation in this manner, you’ll open the door to communicating with your partner in a way that is as honest as it is vulnerable. 

Take accountability. This is another challenge for most, however, confronting your part in your relationship’s demise (and your sex life for that matter) is essential to moving forward. Otherwise, you paint yourself the victim and never truly forgive. 

Admit your part in all of this. Acknowledge the role that you play in your relationship and question the root of said role and how it benefits and/or hurts you, your partner and your union. 

Here’s another example by Zimmerman on how to communicate while taking accountability, using the same example of not feelings appreciated: 

“‘I know I have a part of me that is a martyr. I do a lot around the house that you don’t even expect. I take more on that I can handle, and I struggle to ask for help. Sometimes, I don’t even tell you I’ve done something. I wait for you to notice, and then I end up getting resentful when you don’t. I have been too afraid to bring this up and address it, and that’s on me. Going forward, I am not going to secretly pick up the slack, and I am going to talk to you to work out a more equitable way to share the responsibilities.’”

This reveals you can admit your faults and it sets the stage for your partner to reciprocate. 

There are many more ways to communicate effectively in order to get to the root of the resentment and, therefore, reignite intimacy and sex in your relationship. You can find more sex advice and tips in Jesse Zimmerman book, Sex Without Stress. You should also take some time to reflect on what type of relationship you truly desire and what your sexual needs are, if they are yet to be met. Also, after all is aired out, if you are not yet ready to get it on with your significant other, go back to basics. Date each other, hold hands, and hug every day, even if you don’t always mean it or desire to. Reignite that spark of love and sex in simple ways every day so that blue skies reign again.

I’m sneaking in one last plea (ok, never last) to subscribe. It helps this single momma fulfill her dreams of being a full-time creative writer! (And yes, Only Fans is still on the table).

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