Would they accept me? Shun me? Judge me? Or is this all in my head because of my Catholic guilt?

I’ve written about relationships, mindset, and self-love. I’ve penned personal essays and poems about men I’ve loved, lusted after, and lost. I’ve published romance novellas with explicit sex scenes (masturbation and orgasms included), yet I’ve kept one topic private: tarot.

Tarot has been part of my life since I was 15 years old.

That’s when I purchased my first deck and began reading for friends and myself. I admit that I misused tarot for many years. I clung to card meanings and their predictions, deferred to the cards before making decisions, and obsessively read tarot until I pulled the cards that satisfied the story I wanted to play out. That was a different version of me.

Now that I am self-trusting and self-loving, I’ve learned how to read tarot as an intuitive guide, and I’ve been reading successfully for clients—and on YouTube and TikTok—for over two years.

I hid this part of me by using a different name.

I was so scared of being discovered that I initially read tarot on YouTube and only showed my hands.

I was afraid of being shunned because I grew up Catholic; mysticism and divination tools are seen as the devil’s work.

I worried that people who knew the “old me” would judge this new direction.

I thought the only way to be accepted was to separate this part of who I am.

But hiding is exhausting.

Hiding parts of ourselves means we think there is something wrong with who we are.

We can’t fragment ourselves and expect to feel whole.

We can’t hide and expect to feel free.

And so I am showing up, fully myself, with a full chest, as exactly who I am:

• an intuitive

• a tarot reader

• a romance writer

• a personal essayist

• a mother

• a friend, sister, cousin, and daughter

• a karaoke queen

• a creative

• a woman who fully embraces all parts of herself

• a woman who wishes the same for all of you…and who is always here to help guide you

Your turn: What’s one part of yourself you’ve been hiding that you’re finally ready to reveal? Drop it in the comments.

Growing up, one constant, nagging thought shaped everything — the choices I made professionally, the way I showed up in relationships, even how I saw myself. It held so much power over me. The thought? I never get what I want.

I had no idea that repeating that thought over and over, like a mantra I never meant to adopt, was shaping what I believed was possible for me. I saw myself as resilient, a hopeful romantic, even an optimist, but deep down, something kept me from feeling truly happy and fulfilled.

The Power of Repetition

Now I know that constantly thinking “I never get what I want” skewed everything. No matter how much I focused on gratitude or tried to stay positive, I could never shake the fear that something would eventually come along and fuck it all up. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And every time something didn’t go my way, I used it as proof, repeating “See? I never get what I want.”

Here’s the thing: my brain was just doing what brains do. Through repetition, I trained my mind to look for proof of that story. Every time something didn’t go my way, my brain’s Reticular Activating System — the part that filters what we notice — flagged it as evidence. The more I thought, “I never get what I want,” the more proof I found, and the deeper that belief settled as fact.

Subconsciously, I built a core belief: I never get what I want. And if I do, I have to struggle for it, fight for it, or fix myself and prove that I deserve it.

I Inherited This Belief System

Fundamentally, I had already been fed these messages growing up. I watched my mom struggle to raise three kids on her own after divorcing my father, a man who treated her terribly. Surely, she hadn’t willingly signed up for this life. She hadn’t wanted this at all.

Other women in my family — including my mom — just weren’t happy. They lived lives they hadn’t imagined, full of twists, heartbreak, and, for many, loneliness.

It actually reminds me of that Beatles song Yesterday (extraordinarily remade by En Vogue and Boyz II Men in the 90s). I randomly started singing it yesterday (pun intended), and I stopped at this line:

All so suddenly, I'm not half the girl I used to be

There's a shadow hanging over me

That lyric feels like many people I know — people who don’t quite recognize their lives anymore. Who never expected to be disappointed and disenchanted.

My Turning Point

These people have always served as a cautionary tale for me. They’re a constant reminder of the future I could face if I keep believing that things just don’t work out for me, that I never get what I want. So this year, I decided to take a proactive approach and change that belief system the same way I created it in the first place: through repetition.

My Process

I wrote down a handful of empowering statements that directly oppose the old narrative — the one that says I have to settle, that I don’t get what I want, and that life just happens to me without my control. I focused on statements that were about me, not about my circumstances, other people, or my environment. Then, I recorded these affirmations using the Parrot App and started listening every night before bed.

As of July 23, 2025 — the day I’m writing this — I’ve listened to that night audio for over 30 days. And honestly? It’s changed everything for me.

How I’ve Changed

I now fundamentally believe that everything is working out for me. That every circumstance, “wrench” in my plans, is still guiding me closer to what I truly desire. I trust that my higher self (the God within me, aka the Holy Spirit) intentionally throws twists and turns my way to redirect me, even if it feels a little wild sometimes, like a rollercoaster ride. (And if you know me, you know I’m terrified of rollercoasters.)

Because I now live by the belief “I always get what I want,” I feel at ease, secure, grounded, and deeply self-trusting. Life will keep life-ing. But because I trust that everything is aligning for me, I no longer live in fear.

I’m not a robot. I feel everything deeply. But now, I naturally see life, people, and circumstances through a different lens. Rose-colored glasses, if you will.

And here’s the truth: contrary to popular belief, seeing the world through rose-colored glasses can be life-changing. I’m living proof.

So, reframe your belief system. Do the work (I highly recommend creating your own night audio!) to build the belief that you can — and do — get what you want. That you never have to settle.

Slip on a pair of rose-colored glasses for a change. You’ll be amazed at just how magical life begins to feel.

I’m back.

I took a self-imposed time-out to focus on personal growth. And I’ve shifted and grown so much. I’ve explored my mindset, shedding old ways of thinking and narratives that kept me stuck in fear-based patterns. I have learned to love the version of me I once judged. Instead of hating her for the mistakes she made, I now hold her—and others—with compassion.

Now, I’m returning as a new version of me — one I’m so in love with and proud of. I can’t wait for you to get to know her! I’m still the sassy, fun, passionate, and energetic woman I was before, but with more awareness and self-acceptance.

With that said, welcome to my museletter, In My Flow — a space where alignment, evolution, and showing up fully and authentically in the present take center stage.

Here, I’ll share what I’m learning, how I’m evolving, and what it truly means to live authentically in the present moment from my perspective. Because that’s where the real magic happens.

So, who am I now?

I’m a writer, sharing without pressure. A woman continuing to shed old stories, fears, and roles. A creator flowing with what inspires me. A woman with a full cup because I filled it with self-love and gratitude.

To the oldies but goodies who have been riding with me and all the changes for years, thank you for sticking by my side.

To the new readers just finding me, welcome! I’m so glad you’re here.

To those who have stumbled upon my museletter, however you found me, I invite you to subscribe and receive these musings straight to your inbox. No schedules. No rules. Just moments of flow, shared from my heart to yours.

Here’s to showing up as our authentic selves, to evolving, and to being exactly who we are, right here, right now.

Love,

Sujeiry