I Am (Im)Perfect Just the Way I Am
Take me as is or leave me.
I have a Google document that reads “The Not So Good Sides of Me.” I don’t remember when I created it. Nevertheless, it’s a blank page. My intention was to pen a piece on my shadow side as part of my self-love journey. I planned to describe in detail the parts of my personality that I needed to “fix.” Because I’m a fixer and I thought I needed fixing.
I’ve had a change of heart. I understand now that I am (im)perfect just the way I am. Still, I believe in personal growth and personal development. I am a proponent and an active participant of self-examination and exploration. Simply put, I've entered an exciting phase in my self-love journey where I actually love myself. I have ceased picking myself apart, limb from limb and trait by trait. I'm focused on the beautiful aspects of my personality, my heart, and my mind.
For decades, that my actions and thought processes were wrong. I convinced myself that I had to change my behavior in certain situations. I believed that in order to mature and be the best version of myself I had to be less reactive and more selfless, less expressive and more “zen,” and less energetic and more introverted. In this head and heart space, I committed to men who didn’t love me unconditionally because I did not see my worth and value just as I am.
I thought the answer to a loving relationship lay in changing myself. So I took in my exes criticisms and tried to talk less, shine less in social settings, and become more “responsible" and less of a dreamer. During the last few years of our relationship, he discouraged me from pursuing a creative career due it “not being stable.” He often asked when I’d “give up” on my creative pursuits. I didn’t have an answer to that and told him so.