I'm Learning to NOT Run Away
Call me Sujeiry Bolt sans the Olympic medals. I am a flyer, a shutter downer, and I’m finally learning that there is a better way.
When I am in a situation where my feelings of self-love are triggered, I shut down. Call me Sujeiry Bolt sans the Olympic medals. I am a flyer, a shutter downer, and I’m finally learning that there is a better way.
I fly when feeling unworthy because that armor is what keeps me safe, and it’s easier than working through the muck.
For instance, I recall a situation at work where I was met with a task that intimidated me and, in turn, triggered my self-worth. Would I look stupid? What if I can’t do it? What will that look like? Will they fire me? I wanted to run away and hide. And I did…metaphorically. I made an excuse and pawned the task off to someone else, which was a better strategy than my norm. When external factors trigger my feelings of unworthiness, I quit. Or I bury my head in the sand and remain steadfast in my “I’m not going to confront this shit” stubbornness.
I’m learning to work through this by realizing the root of that behavior. I can attribute it to my childhood where I’d find myself running for cover after my dad’s violent outbursts. To this day, I wonder if I have dust mites floating in my lungs from the nights I spent under my bed. This pattern of behavior, which began as self-protection, still exists.
I run away when feeling unworthy because I am protecting myself from any and all situations that trigger my battle with self-worth.
Is this the healthiest response? No, ma’am. (Unrelated, I was called ma’am recently and I also wanted to run away.) It’s what I know, it’s what’s easy. But what we know and what’s easy isn’t always what’s best for us. So, how do we change it? How do we stop bolting and learn to remain in uncomfortable situations so we actually learn something?
By identifying the fear
By understanding that feelings of unworthiness may never completely go away
By being self-aware and in that moment, when we are triggered, doing the opposite of what we know
As for me, I want to sit and fight for the right things. I want to use my defense mechanism, my flight response, to cope with, “I gotta go, this shit is dangerous,” type of conflict. I am doing things differently. I am staying and fighting for what’s right, for what will help me evolve, and, ultimately, what will help me heal.
Here’s my latest post on the ‘Gram! Yes, I’m back from my break and I am public again! After my niece passed away, I needed time to unplug and be there for my sister and my mother. And, yes, even myself! (I tend to forget to put myself first.)
So, follow me on Insta and show some love by liking some posts! If you already connect with me there, thank you. Also, don’t be shy and engage with my posts! I always engage back and comment :-)
GET MORE SELF-LOVE
I’m posting weekly on Self-Love Served Raw (every Monday!) and would love for you to listen and subscribe! I know, I ask for A LOT, but I’m a content creating machine! Also, my podcast has become my baby. (This newsletter is now my toddler.) I really want it to succeed! While the numbers grow, I am showing myself grace, and I’m just grateful to have your support no matter how many of you listen.
THAT’S IT FOR ME!
As always, thank you for your support and for reading this here newsletter. As an avid and passionate storyteller, creating brings me so much joy.
I love this space and I hope you do too! And if you do, share this newsletter with others that will love, appreciate, and resonate with me and my message.