17 Questions to Ask When Dating Someone New, According to Therapists

It’s easy to get wrapped up in the lust of it all when dating someone new. You feel butterflies in your tummy and your vagina can’t help but throb a little during a hot and heavy makeout session. But, do you know the man that’s getting acquainted with your genitals? Do you know what his values, desires, and priorities are, and ultimately, who he is at his core? Do you even know what questions to ask when dating someone new? Probably not. 

To help you decide whether your new potential bae is a match for you, we tapped into our pool of relationship therapists and asked them to share questions to ask when dating someone new. 

17 Questions to Ask When Dating Someone New, According to Therapists

What’s your relationship like with your parents/family?

What do his parents got to do with it? In my experience, everything. Kimia Anderson, AMFT and primary therapist at Alter Health Group, suggests to dig into his family dynamics because “it’s a great way to get to know someone’s background, what they value and how they’re going to interact with their future family if that’s what you want to create with them.”

How do you like to spend your weekends or days off?

You like to go to brunch on Sundays (bottomless mimosas for the win!), he likes to stay in and lounge (he’s a homebody after all). Asking how your potential partner likes to spend time off will give you insight into his lifestyle preferences. “This will be good to know if their type of personality will fit yours, or if their personality will challenge yours,” Anderson shared. “If they like to be busy and active or if they like to rest and stay in, what best fits your lifestyle? Do you want someone to match you or challenge you? Neither are wrong answers!”

What is your love language?

According to Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist, Katheryn Perez, discovering your new love interest’s love language can help you understand and unmask his needs. When you know his love language, you will understand how he needs to be loved. Not sure what a love language is? Grab Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, to discover yours and his. 

Do you have anything you’re working on that you’re passionate about?

We are more than our 9-5, which is why it’s important to know if he is working on a side project, business, or anything else that he’s passionate about. “This is a great opportunity for you to learn about what is important to that other person for many reasons,” Anderson said, “this could be something you remember and ask about in the future, which could make them happy you remembered something important to them.” This question also offers a window into what they value and what else they do with their time.

Who are the most important people in your life? 

This makes the list of questions to ask when dating someone new because you’ll probably be around his VIP members. Also, they say birds of a feather flock together. Those that are essential in his life might reveal a lot about his personality and beliefs. 

What was your last relationship missing and/or needing?

Talking about exes can be tricky if you don’t ask the right questions and dwell on the wrong stuff. However, if you don’t ask for details at all, you’ll miss out on discovering what was lacking and what he needs to be fulfilled in a relationship. “This can be challenging to ask and even answer,” Kimina added, “but it’s okay to reflect and learn about what you’re looking for to be different this time.” 

What is your attachment style? 

Developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby, our attachment style reveals how we relate and connect with others in relationships. Our attachment style was shaped in early childhood due to our relationships with our parents. There are four attachment styles, including secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. The healthiest attachment style is “secure,” where a person in a relationship feels they can trust their partner and can accept love easily. So, do some research and discuss attachment styles. This question will reveal issues from childhood, so make sure you are both comfortable enough with each other to discuss attachment styles. 

What is your favorite way to relax, de-stress or have fun?

For a lighter approach, ask what his hobbies are. This is also an easy way to discover if you share mutual interests. Sharing mutual interests with your partner can be a lot of fun, as you can enjoy activities together. This question is also a great way to discover if “the person is energized by being around people or taking time for themselves,” said Anderson. 

Do you have any pet peeves?

Pet peeves may seem trivial, but if you have enough of them, according to your partner, it can kill your relationship. A great question to ask when dating someone new, knowing his pet peeves gives “great insight into how people think and what challenges them.” It can also reveal any issues with compatibility. 

What is your relationship like with money?

Did you know that most marriages end in divorce because of money? Whether you’re as rich as Oprah or struggling like the rest of the working middle class, how we view money, use money, and the value that we place on money affects gender roles, relationship finances, and #couplegoals. If he’s a big spender and you like to save, how do you reconcile that difference? If you want to raise your kids and work part-time and he wants to put your kids in daycare and for you to work full-time, will you feel resentful? If you believe that his money is your money and he wants to split everything 50/50, are you insulted or do you accept this without issue? Money makes the world go ‘round, so discuss the mighty dollar before you commit. 

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