I'm Kind of Obsessed with Myself
We’ve been taught to be one way and to focus on one thing at a time. I just can’t seem to do that. I considered it a fault. I even wondered if I had ADD. Until I found Human Design.
I'm kind of obsessed with myself. But not in the way that you’d think. Although I’m a pro at sharing stories about my life and steamrolling conversations, I’m not an egotistical person. At least not intentionally.
My fixation with self develops into a need to learn everything about what makes me tick. I want to explore every nook and cranny. Like, why do my glasses and sunglasses lean to the right on my nose every time despite the pair?
Every shadowy, horrible, shameful trait. Like how I want to be validated with kudos and praise, especially when someone else is receiving kudos and praise. (Helloooo! What about me?!)
Every golden, bright, empowering truth. Like how I love to empower women through storytelling and blindly and naturally encourage everyone in my orbit.
I know all of these things about myself because I’ve done the work. And I’ve done the work because knowing myself gets me that much closer to the one thing I've always craved: freedom.
For me, freedom isn’t an elusive, abstract concept. I see it. Freedom looks like having my own schedule where I spend my time doing the things that I love. It looks like having full autonomy in every aspect of my life. I feel it. It feels like satisfaction, spontaneity, excitement, and an explosion of creativity. It feels like my soul is singing, buzzing. It’s the only thing I’ve ever truly wanted.
I learned this after decades of experiencing personal and professional blocks due to feeling boxed in. I felt trapped at every job. My bosses loved my enthusiasm, charm, and independent, hustler spirit while simultaneously fighting me when I showed up as an authoritative leader. I felt like I had to change in every relationship. My ex loved my high energy, creativity, and go-getter attitude, yet wished I had a more conventional work schedule and stopped spending so much time looking for Creative gigs as a writer and performer.
I couldn’t win. So I twisted myself into a pretzel to fit into every work environment, to align with my employer, and to be loved by my ex-fiancé. Until I became a shell of a person. Someone I didn’t recognize. I was miserable, as you often are when you’re not living in your authentic truth. And that’s when I became obsessed about learning about myself through astrology and Human Design.
What I’ve learned is that I am an Aries sun with a Capricorn Rising and Leo Moon. Translation: I am a fiery leader (Aries) that feels oh so much despite my bravado and tough exterior (Capricorn). Emotionally, I crave the spotlight and need to be validated (Leo Moon). But, what about my need for freedom and autonomy? Why do I take on a gazillion projects and love to ideate and brainstorm for myself and others? I had to figure it out because I was going out of my mind last year trying to fit into a box as a Creative Entrepreneur with many skills and passions. We’ve been taught to be one way and focus on one thing at a time. I just can’t seem to do that. I considered it a fault. I even wondered if I had ADD. Until I found Human Design.
Human Design is described as a “holistic self-knowledge system combining astrology, the I Ching, Kabbalah and Vedic philosophy.” With Human Design, I’ve learned that I am a Manifesting Generator. And this new awareness has taken my knowledge of self to the next level. It has validated every part of my being and soul. I don’t feel like I’m all over the place anymore, I don’t feel stuck, I don’t feel like I am a hot mess. I don’t feel like I have to choose. Instead, I have to feel.
I finally see my truth and know that my needs and desires are valid, and that I tick the way that I tick for a reason. It’s innate, I don’t have to change. My needs and desires are mine to bestow and to pursue. And when I align with exactly who I am, that’s when I manifest magic.