It's a New Dawn, It's a New Day
And I'm feeling good. Yes, folks, despite the shit show that was 2020 my personal and professional life has flourished. Self isolation was the blessing I didn't know I needed.
I thought I’d have a nervous breakdown when New Yorkers were told to stay home due to The Rona. Like most, I felt terrified and emotionally distraught due to the lives lost and the unknown. Yet, somehow this new normal saved me. I was forced to stay home, alone for days without distractions, especially when my 4-year-old son stayed with his father. I couldn’t grab drinks at a bar with close friends from the city, escape to New Jersey to visit my best friend, or go to a salsa party with Long Island acquaintances. I had to sit with myself, my feelings and my thoughts all of the fucking time.
It wasn’t easy at first, I’ve always hated being alone. Like my mom and my sister and my eldest cousin. My deep loathing for isolation is obviously hereditary as is my need to fill empty spaces and quiet rooms with laughter and camaraderie. One day during The Spring/Summer/Fall/Winter Lockdown of 2020 I meditated for the first time in years and I realized that being alone fills me with great discomfort because that means I have to sit with myself.
In case you’re new here, I’ve struggled with feelings of unworthiness. I can’t recall how old I was when I first felt unlovable or not enough. I feel like those feelings have always lingered deep within. At some point in my life, that seed was planted. A trunk grew then the branches and the leaves flourished. Before I knew it, my feelings of unworthiness were rooted. And nothing I did or tried, including therapy, shook its foundation.
That’s until The Rona hit and I had to confront my choices - past and present. Like why I chose to be in a relationship with a man that pinpointed all of my flaws as early as our third date. And why didn’t I stand up for myself (instead of taking it and trying to change myself for him) when he did?
Or why I nurture one-sided friendships with Damsels in Distress. I save them from themselves only to feel used and undervalued.
And why can’t I shake the need for validation? I crave to hear a “thank you” when I help out a friend or an “I’m so proud of you!” when I share a win. I know that’s the self-worth shit I struggle with, so why can’t I just let it go when I don’t receive it? And why do I constantly attract people into my life that do not give it?
Why do I overshare even when my intuition shouts, “Stop telling them your business!” Why do I distract myself with other people’s problems? Why do I ignore my intuition only to endure the same negative experiences my instincts warned me about?
I don’t have the answers to all of these questions despite being in deep contemplation for most of 2020. I do, however, know this: I am so proud of myself and how much I’ve grown.
I now see how isolation and even loneliness helped me become the woman that I am today. So I embrace my rock solid trunk despite the rough edges. I bow down to the cracks in my branches, which are brittle from pain yet brimming with new life, creativity and hope. I thank my dewy leaves and watch them shoot high into the sky even when it’s difficult to flourish and beam. And my roots? They’ve mutated, creating a new, stronger and more self-assured foundation, allowing me to love me for me.
And I love myself. I can finally say that. I say that and mean it.
More from Love Sujeiry
Here are more stories to dig into, some freebies, and news about what I’m working on:
I was published in Well + Good and I’m so proud! Although I’ve been writing professionally since 2006, seeing my name on a story/article online and in print never gets old. Read my story, How the Pandemic Made Me More Financially Responsible.
Free Content Prompt for Instagram: You don’t have to worry about what to post with my FREE content prompts for Instagram. Get them here and get a taste of what’s to come. I will have content prompts available for sale in 2021!
New subscribers! I want to thank my recent subscribers. I love holding space here. I love that I can share my stories and write how I see fit, and that you’re enjoying my tales enough to become paid subscribers. There is a lot more to come in 2021, so please share this newsletter and subscribe if you have not done so already.
Romance novel update: My book proposal is complete, which means it is time to write query letters and send them to literary agents for possible representation. I am excited and nervous and scared and confident all at once. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL! I will write a newsletter in 2021 (OMG! That’s tomorrow!) to share more news on the book front.
Don’t forget Latina x Love! I’ve decided to merge my new relationship platform with this newsletter as it will provide more content for you, especially paid subscribers. My goal is to also publish a quarterly magazine to accompany Latina x Love digital. I know, I’m cray! BUT owning my own magazine has been a dream of mine since 26. So here goes nada! Stay tuned and follow Latina x Love on IG for updates!
Follow me on Instagram! If you want more of this (this is me!) on a daily basis, follow me on the ‘Gram. I’m pretty entertaining!
Gif from Tenor
Thank you for rocking with me all of 2020! I truly appreciate all of your emails and views. I began this newsletter to have a creative outlet that is all mine, to speak my truth, and to create a space for other women of color. I’m excited for its growth, we’re blowing up in 2021! And of course, make sure to hit that reply button if you like what you read or have anything else to say. This gal likes validation!
The last plea of 2020! Join the ride with a full subscription, it helps this single momma save for a house and retirement. I’ll be 43 next year and want to cry. See you in 2021!