How Waiting Triggered My Evolution
There is power of waiting. And so I choose to shift my perception and tell myself a brand new story that eases my mind and heart.
There is power in waiting. I waited 38 years to become a mother. Shaking like a leaf on a windy day thanks to 23 hours of induced labor and the anesthesia in my system, I opened my eyes just a sliver. I watched as my baby boy lay on my chest and sucked on my right breast. I smiled, despite the pinch in my nipples as Evan sucked and felt an odd tightness in my lower abdomen due to my emergency c-section. Because holding Evan felt euphoric, I didn’t think about my recovery period or the sleepless nights that would consume my life. I was happy. Happy that I waited to have him on June 21, 2016, even though the wait to become a mother often felt excruciating.
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I wish that I always felt the power of waiting. That I knew for certain that there was a bright light at the end of the tunnel as I wait for a desire to be realized. That I believed day in and day out that waiting is a transformative experience that builds grit, determination, and unwavering certainty that yes, I really want this, and I will attain this. I knew Evan would be worth the wait. I also knew that despite being 38 years old it would be easy to get pregnant. A month after giving baby making a go, two blue lines appeared on my pregnancy test. It happened just like that.
Other things in my life haven’t happened as quickly. When I decide I want something, my journey to that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow often feels like a never-ending winding ride of ifs and buts, excuses and stalling, and so much fucking waiting. Lately, though, I’ve realized that I’ve had a hand in this. For decades, I’ve thought that things don’t come easily for me. A fast thinker, communicator, and initiator, waiting has always felt like a punishment that I didn't deserve. Similar to that spanking I got from Mami after she caught me throwing tajadas de platanos out of the kitchen window. How many times did I have to tell that women that I hated platanos? She should have known better.
The Power of Waiting
I understand now the power of waiting. I just have to change my relationship with it. I can bitch and moan or make a decision to change my thoughts. I can shift my perception and change the narrative, telling myself a brand new story that eases my mind and heart, and helps me obtain the romantic love and professional abundance that I desire. Today I choose to see waiting as a space to thrive. As the time to love me more and more each day. As an opportunity given to me by God to continue to evolve into a whole woman, so that I stop sacrificing myself and forgetting my needs when I am there for those that I love deeply, even when they don’t reciprocate my efforts.
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Waiting has brought on my evolution. Because for the first time since holding Evan in my arms, I know that I am getting whatever I want despite my current reality. And I find solace in knowing that if God places a desire in my heart, it is all attainable. It is already mine.