A Guide to Identifying Your Self-Concept in Love
Before you find love, get clear on how you see yourself in it.
I started working on my self-concept years ago without even realizing it. Whether it was through meditation, therapy, or self-help books, I was actively trying to build more confidence and self-esteem. At the time, I had no idea what a self-concept in love was or how to identify it, but I knew something was missing inside me, especially based on how I felt in romantic relationships and the patterns I kept repeating in love.
From the outside, I looked confident. But the truth is that my confidence was external, feeding on validation from others. Deep down, I didn’t actually believe I was confident, worthy, or even good enough for a romantic relationship. The reasons why could fill a long list, but what matters is that I had an “aha!” moment—one that led me to self-concept work. That’s when I began creating a new self-concept in love: how I saw myself in relation to romance and my partners.
Before we dive into how you can identify your self-concept in love, let’s first talk about what self-concept actually is.
What Is Self-Concept?
Your self-concept is how you identify yourself. It’s how you present to the world based on what you believe about yourself. It’s shaped by your belief system, which forms in childhood and continues evolving through your experiences. The more something happens, the more it reinforces a belief or creates a new one.
Let’s take an example. Imagine a woman who always says she gets cheated on in relationships. At her core, she probably believes she’s easily replaced or not worthy of faithfulness. That belief might come from childhood. Maybe she saw a parent cheat, or maybe she felt replaced by a parent who left. Or perhaps her first boyfriend cheated, and ever since then, she’s feared it happening again.
When that self-concept goes unchecked, she will likely expect her next partner to cheat. She might even look for signs of it. As Neville Goddard—the “Granddaddy” of the Law of Assumption—teaches, we create what we believe we are (“I am”). So, because she identifies as “a woman who gets cheated on,” she continues to live that story.
This isn’t to blame my fictional character (or anyone who’s been cheated on for that matter)—she’s been through enough! It’s just an example of how our self-concept influences our reality. Even when others treat us badly, we unconsciously contribute to the pattern through how we identify ourselves.
Our self-concept directly impacts our romantic relationships because it sets the standard for how we allow others to treat us, and what we believe we deserve.
It all starts within.
How to Identify Your Self-Concept in Relationships
To uncover your core self-concept in love, you have to get real with yourself. Drop the blame game: it only keeps you stuck in victim mode. Instead, grab a journal and reverse-engineer your past.
⚠️ Quick note: This exercise can be triggering if you’re not ready for deep mindset work. If you are, and you truly want to change your love life, keep going.
Write down the names of your last three romantic partners.
Under each name, describe them in detail—their traits, how you saw them, how the relationship felt.
Then, write down why each relationship ended.
Take a breath. Take a break if you need to. Let the memories settle before coming back to reflect.
When you’re ready, ask yourself:
What patterns do you see across those relationships? (Think about the kind of partner you attract, how things ended, and how you were treated.)
What do those patterns say about you?
Be honest. If you notice a pattern of partners who don’t prioritize you, it might mean that deep down, you don’t identify as someone who is a priority or worthy of time and attention.
If you keep getting ghosted, you might be identifying as someone who:
isn’t valued or important
doesn’t deserve commitment
is easily forgotten or replaced
fears abandonment
Or maybe you tend to chase partners when they pull away. That could point to an insecure attachment style and a deep fear of being left.
Once you note your patterns, it’s time to change them. Start by writing affirmations that align with your new beliefs. (I share 44 affirmations for self-concept in love in this article—definitely check it out!)
44 Self Concept Affirmations for Love
If you’re a fan of RuPaul Charles, you know the saying: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” It’s more than just a catchphrase from one of my favorite TV shows—it’s a truth we often overlook.
Next Step: Solidify Your Self Concept in Love
Saturate your mind by repeating your affirmations using an affirmation technique. This article reviews seven powerful manifestation techniques. Choose one and stay consistent to start shifting your internal dialogue about who you are in love and what you truly deserve.
With repetition, you’ll begin to reprogram the old stories you’ve told yourself about your worth, value, and the limiting beliefs you’ve carried around love and relationships. Over time, you’ll naturally start to think and feel differently, and you’ll make choices that align with your new self-concept in love. That’s when the magic happens, as your outer world begins to reflect how you think, see, and feel about yourself.